I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
