If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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