everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
