why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize