bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
