Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
