I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
