dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
