How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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