my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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