Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
