Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
