btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
