shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
