it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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