guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
