girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
