Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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