If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
