So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
