I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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