I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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