he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
