Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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