he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
