Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
