He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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