ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
