Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
