just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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