Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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