i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There's even glitter on my cock...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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