hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
