Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
