Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
