Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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