I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
