i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My vagina just clenched in fear
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
