just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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