Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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