you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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