Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
