Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
