I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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