broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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