You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
