you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
