Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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