I cannot find my penis.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
