In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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