saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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