just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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