The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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