So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
