How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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