the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
