My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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