Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
