I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize